Abuse vs Erotic Power Exchange
By:
The National Leather Association
The Dutch BDSM Media Information Center
The POWERotics Foundation
Although discriminatory legislation sometimes likes to let you believe otherwise,
there are fundamental differences between erotic power exchange and domestic
violence (abuse). Erotic power exchange should always be based on the VICSS-concept.
Anything else is abuse.
What is VICSS?
Voluntary: all partners involved in erotic power exchange activity of whatever
nature should decide to do so of their own free will and choice and without
any force applied. Sometimes the element of "force" may be hidden.
Such can be the case if either of the parties faces (or fears to be faced with)
economical
or social repercussions if he or she does not go along with what the other
partner(s) wants. This may be the case for example if colleagues at work enter
into EPE-activities
or within a marriage. If either of the partners feels forced, for whatever
reason, the situation is non-voluntary.
Informed: all partners involved in erotic power exchange should base their
decision to do so on correct information and should be able to judge the situation
and
possible consequences. A simple "yes" often is not enough, especially
in cases where it is doubtful whether the person saying "yes" does
not or can not know what the implications are or can be.
Consentual: all partners involved should agree to what is going to happen or
happening and should have the possibility to evaluate previous decisions in the
event they are faced with emotions, reactions or information they feel is of
importance to their situation.
Sane: decisions with respect to erotic power exchange activities should be made
when all partners involved are of a clear mind. Consent as a result of the use
of drugs, alcohol or the rush or the situation is not consent.
Safe: erotic power exchange activities should be safe, both physically and mentally
and in the event physical or mental risks are taken - for example in an edge
play situation - people should be well informed about the possible risks, implications
and repercussions.
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Moral or ethical code
Although the majority of the people, involved in erotic power exchange, usually
have very high moral and ethical standards there is no standard moral or ethical
code when it comes to erotic power exchange. Since EPE is such a personal and
intimate activity it is questionable if such a moral code can be produced at
all. This means that people who are into erotic power exchange activities very
much depend on their own judgment, often without references.
Seeking advice is difficult, since it may be very hard to find a reliable source
- in general terms as well as with respect to your own personal situation. However,
there are some general rules of thumb to go by when evaluating your personal
position or a situation you are about to enter:
Respect: Any erotic power exchange relationship should be based on mutual respect.
In the event you have doubts about this, it is very likely there is something
wrong.
Communication: Communication is paramount when it comes to erotic power exchange.
Communication is a two way street. If you feel your arguments, feelings and thoughts
are disregarded you have stumbled on another warning signal.
Relationship: In general - disregarding incidental kick-seeking - erotic power
exchange can only flourish within a sound and solid relationship.
Dominance and ego: Dominance is not male chauvinism. Although it is sometimes
very hard to draw the lines in individual cases, ego trips are out of the question
when it comes to erotic power exchange.
It is a mistake to think only the submissive can be "persuaded" into
something s/he does not want. It happens to dominants as well and submissives
can sometimes be very persistent and manipulative.
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Recognizing domestic violence
Domestic violence is a pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of
dominating, coercing, or isolating another without his/her consent. Abuse tends
to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. By asking yourself the following
questions and watching for the following signals you may evaluate the situation
you are in:
Physical signals * Does your partner ever hit, choke, slap, or otherwise physically
hurt you? (Erotic power exchange scenes excluded)
* Has he or she ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room or
used a weapon of any kind?
* Are you afraid of your partner?
* Does your partner constantly or frequently criticize your performance, withhold
sex as a means of control or ridicule you for the limits you do set?
* Do you feel obliged to have sex?
* Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident? Isolation
* Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?
* Does your partner prohibit you to take part in social events or activities?Property
* Has your partner ever destroyed objects?
* Has your partner ever threatened pets?Economical * Does your partner limit
access to work or to material resources?
* Has he/she ever stolen from you or run up debts?Emotional/Psychological * Are
you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another?
* Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance
and being very close?
* Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally
undermining your self esteem?
* Do you feel you can not discuss with your partner what is bothering you?Abuse
within an erotic power exchange relationship
Although it does not occur often, abuse within an erotic power exchange relation
does occur. Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual S/M. Battering
is not "agreed" upon. Domestic violence is not the same as consentual
S/M. As a result of their sexual orientation, abused persons who are in an
erotic power exchange relationship may suffer additional isolation and may
hesitate
to turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving credence
to stereotypes.
These are question that may help you evaluate whether or not your situation is
an abusive one: * Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends?
* Does your partner ever ignore your safe words or pressure you not to use them?
* Has s/he ever violated your limits?
* Do you feel "trapped" in a specific role (submissive or dominant)?
* Does your partner use scenes to express or cover up anger and frustration?General
reflections
No one has the right to abuse you and you are not responsible for the violence.
You are also not alone. If you feel you are in an abusive relationship or situation
interact with other survivors. You will find them in local or regional support
groups.
There are many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. Fear of or feelings
for the abuser may be one of them. Lack of economic or emotional resources is
another. If you stay, help is still available. Find out about shelters, support
groups, counselors, anti-violence programs and 24-hour crisis lines in your area.
Ask a friend to help you make these calls.
And, if you are planning on leaving: plan a strategy if you have to leave quickly.
Line up friends and family in case of an emergency. Battering is a crime. Find
out about your legal rights and options.
Abuse in an erotic power exchange relationship can have an even greater impact
than if it happens in another relationship. The amount of trust given can have
been extremely high, thus the aftermath, the disappointment and the guilt feelings
can be enormous. One word of advice to aid workers: someone who has been in an
erotic power exchange relationship did not bring it upon him or her self. Especially
in an erotic power exchange relationship the breech of trust by the abuser is
enormous.
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This article is partially based on material, produced by:
American National Leather Association
Dutch S&M Media Information Center
Hans Meijer of POWERotics